I don’t know why I did it.
I wish I hadn’t.
She used to trust me, and I broke that trust.
“If they catch us, they’ll think you’re the spy,” She’d said. “I couldn’t let that happen.”
I looked away from her, ashamed at what I knew.
I watched as they kicked her awake, then put a sword to her throat. I wish I could’ve done something then to save her, but I wasn’t ready to risk my life. As they hauled her to her feet, fear shone in her eyes. She glanced at me.
And I looked away.
To this day, it still hurts to remember all that. Even though we did eventually make up.
There I go, rambling down rabbit trails. You’re probably wondering what in the world I’m talking about, who she is, and all that who what when where why how nonsense.
We’re going to have to go back in time to answer your questions.
Back a long time.
Thirty years, more like.
It was the year that the rebels began to pull out of the rut. See, for the past five years a large group of people rebelled against the government because it was becoming corrupt. My dad and I lived in an apartment in the middle of town. It was noisy, the walls were thin, and it was dirty. The thatched roof was falling apart, so the people on the top floor complained about leakage during the rainy season. Tenants on the bottom floor got snow seeping in the cracks at the corners. Smack in the middle, all we got was noise.
I remember being so excited to turn fourteen, my dad decided that he would start teaching me swordplay. And turned out to be very useful.
My dad and I didn’t always get along, he was on the side of the government, while I wasn’t sure which side to take. My friends and I would often discuss politics during breaks in our sports, and I would try not to take sides, sometimes fights would break out, and the outcome was not pretty.
Three months later, enter Philana. She was also fourteen. The first time I saw her, I thought she was beautiful. Her long brown hair was neatly brushed and tied back with a lavender ribbon. She was wearing a plain brown dress like the other young girls, but I was drawn to her face. She nodded briefly to me as she passed by, and I nodded back. I didn’t see her again for a few months, and when I did it was under totally different circumstances.
She had been chosen to make the trek to the city, to get some information from the government. Yeah, working as a spy. Her father basically led the rebels in our town, and her mother, like mine, had died in the plague that had swept the town when we were children. My father was against her going alone, and so, without my saying anything, he suggested I go along. I guess he thought I’d want to. At least that’s what I thought at the time. Little did I know that I would end up a turncoat.
My dad got home from the meeting that night, sat down on a floor cushion, and told me to sit down next to him. I plopped down on the floor.
“Rory, you’re going on a trip tomorrow.”
“‘You?’ Not ‘we?’”
“You,” My dad emphasized the you this time, “are going to the city.”
“Why?”
“Philana, the leader’s daughter, is going as a spy.”
“Dad, I thought you were against the rebels.”
“That’s my point exactly. One, I don’t want a young girl out in the wild alone. And two, you can turn her in.”
“I don’t think that’s right, dad. So I’m going to protect her from the very thing I’m going to turn her into.”
“I’m not worried about when she gets to the city, it’s along the way you’ll need to protect her.”
“I still find it pretty ironic.”
“Doesn’t matter what you think. You’re going. Get your sword, an extra tunic, and some food.”
I started packing, dad’s words ringing in my head. I’m not going to turn her in. I couldn’t do that, not to anyone, especially not to a girl, and more especially not to… well, not to her.
We set off on foot the next morning. I was quiet, my mind focused on the night before. She watched me curiously, her head tilted to the left the slightest bit. Her brown eyes studied me carefully. A thought flashed across my mind, and I tried to hold back a smile. It was a stupid thought, and after I thought it I had to try to keep from looking at her. I wondered if she had ever noticed me when I was out in the town playing sports with the other boys before… if she noticed me like I noticed her. But that was stupid.
I wondered how I could do what dad wanted me to do. I couldn’t imagine turning her in. It just didn’t seem right. Philana had gotten a little ways ahead of me, and now she stopped to look back, poised up on a flat rock, the wind playing with her hair.
“You coming?” She asked.
“Yeah.” I shifted my bag to the other shoulder. “Sorry,” I mumbled as I passed her. She fell into step behind me, and we walked in silence for a while. I still couldn’t work anything out. I wanted dad to be proud of me. But it was wrong to do that to a girl, even if she was my enemy. Wait, correction, I didn’t mean to think that. Even if she was my dad’s enemy.
I wondered how long I would have before I would have to turn her in. If I did. Man, was this ever confusing. I should’ve found one of my friends to talk it over with before we left. It probably would’ve helped.
Midday came and left, we ate a meal, then kept going. My bare feet hurt from the stones. Philana had no shoes, either, and I made a mental note to make some… or at least try someday. I could be a shoemaker. Ha. Riiight.
We entered the forest a little while before dark, and I could tell Philana was trying to be brave. To tell the truth, I was, too. But I didn’t want a girl to see I was afraid. Besides, it was only a bunch of trees… with wild animals… and it was dark… and… and scary. I shivered. Philana stepped closer.
“W-why don’t we make a fire?” I suggested, trying to sound like I knew what I was doing.
“We’d have to go find wood.” She pointed out.
“We’re going to want a fire sooner or later, why not do it now while it’s still light, at least some?”
She sighed, letting her sack fall from her shoulder. “I’ll make camp, you go.”
I nodded nervously, then took my cloak from my bag. “I’ll be back before too long.”
To this day, I don’t know how long I spent looking for wood. But when I got back with an armload of it, Philana had laid out both of our blankets and dug a fire pit.
And now I gotta make the fire.
So I stuck some of the wood in the pit and added twigs and dead leaves for kindling. Then I didn’t know what to do. She must have realized that, because she gently took the wood and showed me how… and told me to do it. Taking a deep breath, I repeated her actions. A spark! Then another! Then my cloak caught fire… I dropped the wood in, and the fire started to burn as I stamped out the fire in my cloak. When I finished, I glanced toward Philana, who was trying her best not to laugh.
“Good job with the fire,” she said.
I grunted.
---
The next morning we packed up camp quickly and started off again.
We were quiet for most of the morning, concentrating on our direction while still in the forest. When we finally got out, we took a quick rest, then went on our way again. It was awkward, walking side by side and no one talking.
“So… uh… Philana…”
She coughed, and I guessed she was trying to suppress a laugh. I rolled my eyes. Why couldn’t I do this?
“You lived in Byshan your whole life?”
“Yes.”
Well, there, I tried. I just couldn’t make conversation with a girl. And that was that. We trudged on in silence for a while, just looking at the scenery, which was now quite unfamiliar. But Philana seemed to know where to go.
“Do you sing?” She asked after a while, tilting her head again, this time to the right. She was smiling faintly, and her eyes danced.
I scratched at my nose. “Some. Not really.”
She broke into a Byshani folk song, and I couldn’t help but join in. So we sang. If there was a song I didn’t know, she’d teach it to me. Or sometimes she’d sing alone. She had a low voice, for a girl, but it fit her well. At the moment, mine was a teensy bit higher than hers, but it wouldn’t stay like that for long.
We stopped outside a small town, and I put my cloak on to cover my sword, but kept my hand on it at all times. You never know what might jump out at you in strange and unfamiliar territory. We got a few strange looks, but that was all, and we were through. I breathed a sigh of relief. We’ll just say I wouldn’t be considered good with a sword.
I felt more comfortable with Philana now, and I think she did, too. Conversation still didn’t come easily, but we had something in common, and it kept us busy during the day. So I wasn’t troubled with my decision until evening. I was still as torn as ever. Something changed during the night. I don’t know what it was. I got up, scribbled a note in the dirt to Philana, telling her I’d be back soon and not to worry. Then I ran. I ran back to the village, and up into a government building. There was a single light on, and I ran to that room, pounding on the door. It opened, and I almost fell inside.
“What in the world are you doing at this time of night?” An elderly man asked.
I gasped for breath as I spoke. “I have news from the rebels… there’s a young girl traveling with me. And she is a spy. She’s sleeping a few miles from here. It would be best… to be intercepted tomorrow night.”
Then I turned and left. It was done. I couldn’t take back what I’d just said… and as I left the building I was already regretting what I’d just done. Philana shouldn’t have been turned in. It was wrong… I’d been ready to protect her just that morning, and already I was… I was going against that.
It was almost light when I got back to the camp, and Philana was just waking up.
“Where were you?” She demanded. “I was starting to get worried.”
“Sorry,” I muttered. “Things took longer than I thought.”
Then she said it. It kinda came from nowhere, but it hurt like a knife.
“If they catch us, they’ll think you’re the spy,” She’d said. “I couldn’t let that happen.”
I looked away.
Then I started to shake. “I’m sorry, Philana… I’m so sorry.”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “Sorry for what?”
“We need to get moving.”
And that was all I said. I could’ve saved her again. But I was scared of what she’d think of me. Of what she’d say or do.
Most of all I was scared of the sad truth:
I was a coward.
I couldn’t undo what I had done, but I could protect Philana tonight. Or try, anyway.
Darkness fell, and we made camp in a small cave. After dinner, Philana went to bed, and I sat in the cave entrance with my sword across my lap, trying to feel brave.
Then I heard voices and clanking armor. I scrambled to my feet, holding my sword in readiness. My hands were shaking as I held it, and I wanted to run and hide in the back of the cave. A soldier turned into the cave entrance, and my sword wobbled.
“Drop your sword, boy.” The soldier commanded. Two more soldiers came in, drawing their swords. I sheathed my sword, then with a nod from the first soldier, the other two began to back me up against a wall.
I watched as they kicked her awake, then put a sword to her throat. I wish I could’ve done something then to save her, but I wasn’t ready to risk my life. As they hauled her to her feet, fear shone in her eyes. She glanced at me.
And I looked away. Coward.
At first they half-dragged her out of the cave, and the two soldiers who had me up against the wall let me go so I could follow. Philana kept turning around to look at me… and every time I looked away, even though she never managed to turn around enough to see me. I wished they had blindfolded her. When we crossed the river, a soldier picked her up and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
I remembered when my dad used to carry me around like that… back when my mother was still alive and we had fun together. That seemed like so long ago now.
Deep in my thoughts, I looked up at the moon. In the ring of light around it, there was a single star. It would rain tomorrow. Clouds moved in and covered the moon, yet we moved on through the night, but not very quietly as it’s always said.
We walked on a wide road, the small rocks making up the gravel cutting into my bare feet. I winced as I took each step, and soon cold, wet, and sticky blood left tracks on the road. Was this ever a bad idea.
Note to self: never betray a friend. Among other things, shame, cowardice, and cut feet will follow.
At least Philana didn’t have to walk. Draped over the soldier’s shoulder, she could very well have been asleep.
It was strange… even though I hated that I had turned Philana in, there was something there, some feeling I had never felt before, a feeling that I liked. It could have been pride, maybe superiority, which, I guess, those two are the same or at least go together. The cowardice was still there, though, gnawing away at my thoughts. I hated being confused like this, especially when I wasn’t able to work it out very well.
I stumbled on the road, and fell down, rocks cutting my hands. Muttering under my breath, I scrambled to my feet. On the way up, my wrist brushed my sword hilt. I’d forgotten that I was armed. Not that it would help, I wouldn’t be able to do anything. The hills in my feelings kept rolling up and down, up and down… then there was a higher up, a lower down, an even higher up… and I pulled the sword out of its hilt. I’d gotten Philana into this mess, I’d get her out of it.
Whirling on the soldiers behind me, I swung the sword in a giant arc. Then as I turned to attack one, the other grabbed me from behind. I struggled to do two hard things at once, but soon focused on getting away from my captor (or were they Philana’s captors? Or both?), only for everything to become black.
I groaned and tried to sit up. Or, at least it felt like trying to sit up. I wasn’t really lying down, I was being carried in the same manner as Philana. My head hurt. So did my feet and hands, both of which were caked with blood. I glanced up, seeing the third soldier behind me, wearing my sword and sword belt.
“He’s come-to.” The soldier said, and I was set back down on my feet, then fell to the ground. My feet felt like they wouldn’t work. But I was yanked up and forced to walk. One foot in front of the other. Left. Right. Left. Right. Pain shot through my body with each step. They had only been carrying me because I could not walk. Which meant they were in a hurry. I slowed a bit when the pain grew worse, and was shoved roughly forward.
So I was no longer their spy.
I, like Philana, was their prisoner.
----------------
I kept asking myself that, again and again. I was not proud of what I had done, not in the least. My mind was filled with unanswered questions.
Why had I done it?
What was going to happen?
How could I get Philana to forgive me?
How could we get away?
What would my father say?
Would he be proud?
Late the next day we entered the city. Philana was made to walk now, and they bound our hands in front of us as we went through the gate. This time I looked at her, but she was staring at her feet. Philana… oh, Philana… I’m so sorry.
They locked us down in a deep, dark, dungeon and left us alone. It was more of a hole in the ground with a grating on top, but it was big and the cold dirt felt good under my feet. Philana huddled in a corner, and from the way her shoulders shook, I knew she was crying. I wanted to say something, but didn’t know what. She wouldn’t believe me, and I’d just make a fool of myself.
So I looked around the dungeon, trying to find a place we could hide from the government or get out. It was dirt, but I didn’t think it would work to dig out, that would take forever and the walls of the city were probably really deep, and since the dungeon was right near the wall, that wouldn’t work so well.
A little later, Philana got up and began walking around. I knew saying “sorry” wouldn’t work on Philana. But she didn’t even know what happened.
“Philana, I…” I began. “I have a confession.”
She looked in my direction, her eyes listening… well, not really, but it kind of seemed like that.
“I did something I shouldn’t have. It…” I groaned and tried again. “That night, when I…” I leaned up against the wall, looking away from her. “I went back to the town and told them who you were.”
“I don’t understand…” She said, but I didn’t hear her.
“My dad put me up to it. It was a struggle from the beginning. I don’t know why I ended up doing it, and now I hate myself for it. If I could take it back, I would. I’m sorry, so sorry. I hate where it’s gotten us, I thought if I regretted what I’d done I could get you free somehow, but it looks like not. Now I’ve got to get both of us out of here…” I turned back to her. “If there’s anyway out of here, I’ll find it.”
Philana didn’t reply, instead she turned away and didn’t speak to me for two long, dark, lonely days.
-----
That's all I have of it so far. But I'm working on it a lot.
This one didn't turn out quite as I wanted it to... I was having trouble blending (again), and the pictures weren't quite right for it anyway, so I just erased everything but the main parts of the pictures.
Kilo-Yankee
3 comments:
I like the story.
Finally. I think it's coming along well so far...
PLEASE SOMETHING NEW!!!!!!!
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